If you have just been served with divorce papers in Hawaii, you may feel blindsided. The person who filed has often been thinking about this, and sometimes planning for it, for months. You may be learning about it for the first time. It is normal to feel devastated, angry, or simply lost.
Here is what I want you to know first: you do not have to figure everything out right now. The first step is a small one.
Step one: file your answer
You should file your answer within 20 days of being served with the summons and complaint. You can find the answer form here If you are preparing it yourself, our guide to Third Circuit resources may help.
Then work out what matters most to you
After the answer is filed, take the time to figure out what matters most to you. It might be the house, your retirement, time with your children, or something else entirely. You cannot negotiate well until you know what you are negotiating for.
Get support beyond legal help
I encourage divorcing parties to get two kinds of help. The first is counseling, which can help you sort through your priorities and get through a very hard time. Your children may benefit from counseling too. The second is financial advice, preferably from a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst. A CDFA can run the numbers on different settlement options, including what each one would really cost you over the long term.
To get the most out of a consultation with a CDFA, bring your financial information with you. In particular, the Asset and Debt Statement and the Income and Expense Statement give the analyst a clear picture of what you own, what you owe, and what it costs you to live. There is no need to rush, and accuracy matters more than speed, but the better your numbers, the more useful the advice. You can find a CDFA here. I’ve never had a client tell me a CDFA consultation was a waste of time and money.
Be careful about trading too much for the house
Nowhere is financial advice more important than when you are deciding whether to keep the house. For many people, the family home stands for stability, especially in the middle of a crisis. In my experience, women in particular often give up too much in exchange for keeping it, particularly if they have children. Of course it is heartbreaking to cause any additional disruption to the lives of your children. But keeping the house can mean giving up retirement accounts, support, or other assets, and then carrying the mortgage, property taxes, insurance, and upkeep on one income. You may also need to qualify to refinance in your name alone. A house is not cash, and what it costs to keep can be far more than the number on the mortgage statement. Before you agree to anything, ask your financial analyst to show you the true cost. One option may be to negotiate for joint ownership following divorce.
Once you know what you want, try to reach agreement
When you are clear on your priorities, the next step is to find out whether you and your spouse can agree. That may mean talking directly, or it may mean talking through your attorneys. If that does not work, consider mediation, where a neutral third party helps the two of you work through the issues. With luck and goodwill, you may be able to file for an uncontested divorce.
I recommend trying both of these before assuming that you have to litigate. Litigation takes time, costs money, and puts important decisions in the hands of a judge. Even if you cannot agree on everything, narrowing the disagreement can reduce the cost and the stress, and it leaves you with more say in the result.
Judy S. Howard, Esq. is a Hawaii family law attorney based in Waimea, focusing on divorce and pre- and postnuptial agreements. She is also a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE), helping divorcing couples navigate real estate decisions with clarity and neutrality. The information provided in this blog post is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Reading this post does not create an attorney-client relationship between you and Judy S. Howard. Laws vary by jurisdiction and change over time, and the application of law to any particular situation requires individual legal analysis. If you need legal advice, please consult a licensed attorney directly.