Your divorce may be absolutely necessary, but even a necessary divorce can upend your children’s lives in ways they are not equipped to handle on their own.
Why Children Need Someone Neutral to Talk To
Even if they seem to be fine, they deserve the chance to talk with someone who will listen, who will not take one parent’s side against the other, and whose only goal is to help them make sense of what has happened and get back to the business of being a child. Kids are remarkably good at hiding how they feel, especially when they sense that their parents are already stretched thin. A calm, neutral adult can give them a place to set that weight down.
How Therapy Helps Children Cope With Divorce
Children can also pick up unhealthy habits in the months leading up to a divorce, such as manipulation, keeping secrets, or telling each parent what they think that parent wants to hear. Some are put in painful positions where they feel pressured to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other. A good therapist can help a child unlearn those patterns, find healthier ways to express what they feel, and cope with demands that no child should have to carry. That support makes it far more likely they will grow into healthy, happy adults.
What Parents Should Not Do When a Child Is in Therapy
If your child begins therapy, the most helpful thing you can do is back off and let the therapist do their work. It is inappropriate to try to sway the therapist to take your side or to make a recommendation about custody. Doing so can damage the child’s trust in the process and may undermine your own credibility with the court.
Child Therapy vs. a Custody Assessment
Some therapists are willing to provide both therapy and a custody assessment, but many are not, and for good reason: the roles can pull against each other. If your child’s therapist does not offer both, allow them to focus on your child’s wellbeing and look to a separate expert for a custody assessment.
Family Therapy: Helping Parents and Children Together
There are also family therapists, who work with the whole family to strengthen the relationship between the parents as well as each parent’s relationship with the children. Participating in that kind of therapy may be one of the best gifts you can give your kids, especially if it leads to more cooperation and mutual respect between the two of you. Parents do not have to like each other to learn to work together well, and children feel the difference immediately.
Let Your Kids Be Kids
Your children deserve the best you can give them. That means keeping them out of your disputes with their other parent, and doing everything you can to improve that relationship, so that the kids can get on with being kids. Some parents also choose to keep the children in the family home for a time after the divorce.
Judy S. Howard, Esq. is a Hawaii family law attorney based in Waimea, focusing on divorce and pre- and postnuptial agreements. She is also a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE), helping divorcing couples navigate real estate decisions with clarity and neutrality. The information provided in this blog post is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Reading this post does not create an attorney-client relationship between you and Judy S. Howard. Laws vary by jurisdiction and change over time, and the application of law to any particular situation requires individual legal analysis. If you need legal advice, please consult a licensed attorney directly.